Bringing It All Back Home, my book about Vietnam veterans, went through many editors and was revised numerous times on its way to publication.
I have pasted below a few concluding paragraphs that I personally found meaningful, but were cut in the editorial process.
I’m prompted to post this because of a comment I received on my YouTube page, which has some clips from the interviews I did for the book.
A person clearly had watched my interview with Tony Wallace, in which he tells the story of being wounded on April 15, 1970. The individual wrote, “I met this gentleman while riding on the Q113 bus… I have the so much respect for Vietnam vets. We should all support them.”
Over the years that have elapsed since I began this project, Tony Wallace and I have grown close. We have made many trips together on Veterans Day. In 2008 we attended the ceremony at the Wall in DC. We spent the afternoon there, in the cold drizzle of a Washington November day, listening to various speakers tell us of their experiences, and about the meaning of the wall. The green of the Capital Mall lawn was covered with folding chairs and umbrellas, as the afternoon wound down. As we were leaving, Tony sought out a homeless veteran he had met at the Wall earlier in the year, and gave the man a new coat and a new pair of shoes that he had brought from New York just for that purpose. We chatted with him for a while and took photos as the night gathered.
After we got back to the hotel room we shared and prepared for sleep, from the other side of the room, Tony said, “I think it is time for you to see this.”
Already in his pajamas, he knelt down and peeled back the pajama top revealing the deep and ugly scars from the blast that had killed Wolf, Pepe and DiSantis. The blast had changed his life forever. There, on his knees, he exposed his back to me for several moments. It is very hard to describe what I saw. The skin had been torn; it was discolored. There were scars that had not healed properly and you could see the effects of several skin grafts that had been done to try to close the wound. Where the skin was not torn, it was peppered with scars where shrapnel had entered his body. Tony rose and re-buttoned his top.
“Now you know,” was all he said.
I don’t recall that I responded at all.
We went to sleep.
The next morning over breakfast, I said to him that what he had done was enormously powerful for me. He had shown me what only two other people had ever seen; his wife and his doctor. I said that I thought I understood the metaphorical and symbolic significance of showing me his wound on a weekend filled with both memory and celebration. I told him that seeing a black man on his knees in front of me was a humbling experience and a frightening one. The racial symbolism of that moment, so deeply fraught in American history, with its legacy of violence, exploitation, humiliation and fear left me deeply moved. As a result of his bravery, his willingness to share and be vulnerable had seemed to shift me into a subset of people, privileged enough to see first hand one version of how badly damaged a Vietnam veteran could be.
Tony’s response was;
“Yes, I knew that you would see that. But, he continued, I was also thinking of another thing. I was thinking of the way Christ washed the feet of the sinners.”
In Tony’s world, true knowledge and enlightenment can only come about by understanding the significance of the sacrifice Christ made on behalf of all of us. By reenacting, in a symbolic way, Christ’s humility, Tony was offering me a way of understanding both his Vietnam, and his life. He sees himself as a man whose life, in some respects, is not his own. The sacrifice he made on behalf of others is precisely what has made the memory, and the scars, of the Vietnam war bearable for him. He served as Christ served.
It doesn’t matter if we do or do not share Tony’s Christian belief system. What is relevant here is that Tony has developed a way of understanding his life; in academic terms, he has developed a narrative which gives meaning to the events of April 1970.
This book has been an effort to listen to the stories that Vietnam veterans tell about themselves. As they recounted their autobiographies, soldiers and their families incorporated the events of the Vietnam era in to the trajectory of their lives, creating a meaningful explanation of how they came to be the people that they are. Vietnam has profoundly shaped the men and women who served there. By asking them to narrate their entire lives can we begin to see the long term affect of military service.
For those of us that did not experience it, we have very little context for understanding how difficult it can be to revisit, emotionally and psychologically, the trauma they experienced. There is a cost involved every time they speak out to share their experiences. On the other hand, I have seen that in the process of sharing the burdens can become lighter.
For these interviews, these veterans were willing to pay the price, not for their own glorification, but so that they could continue to educate us. Through them we learn about how this unique time in history created a perfect storm of circumstances that would alter the nation and our view of war forever. We learned how to separate the war and the warrior, and the importance of treating every soldier that we send into battle with respect and honor, regardless of personal opinion about the political merits of the war.
These veterans have never given up hope that they would be recognized for their service, but this does not seem to be what motivates them. This is their true legacy. They have taught us to persevere in the face of adversity, to fight for justice and self respect, to use experiences, no matter how unfair or traumatic, to serve a greater good and whenever possible enable each other to do so.
And to remember.